When the Rain Comes Down

Written By Tobin Trent

Troy traced his fingers over the small scar under his left nipple as he stared into the mirror. It had been three years now. Three years since the night of that thunderstorm. It was April now, and with it came a heavy rain. It always rained in April. Troy was happy for the rain; he would stand out in the yard and engulf himself in the cascading water from time to time. He walked out into the streets and picked up the local paper, it was filled with meaningless jargon that he didn’t care about. Yet he read it anyways.

He checked his mail box, there among the bills and useless advertisements was a single envelope with a hand written address. He ignored everything else and opened the envelope. It read:

Dear Mr. Turner,
It has come to our attention that you have asked to be notified in the event of a parole hearing for a Mr. James Delfinie, Jimmy Wilburns, and Steven A. Peldrone. Due to their outstanding behavior and agreement to specific criteria we have seen fit to hold a hearing to address their rehabilitation and release into society. This hearing will be held on April 25th. Should you choose to testify it would be deemed necessary for you to attend the hearing in person. Please respond as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Arnold M. Messer
Fitzgerald Prison Warren

A number was included in the letter. Troy picked up the phone and began to dial. He had reached a secretary. “Yes, I’m calling to confirm my appearance at the parole hearing.” It was set. He sighed and sat down on his bed. The white sheets beside him rustled as a body rose from them. “What’s wrong, Troy?” the man asked. “I’m going to see them, Rick. I’m going to see the men that did this to him.” Troy softly touched his scar. It was not only a scar of the flesh, but one embedded in his memories. How ironic it was that it lay just above his heart. Rick sat up and wrapped his arms around him. “Do you want me to come with you?” “No, this is something I need to do alone.” Rick looked into his eyes and lightly kissed Troy’s scar, making his way up from there to his lips. They held each other for awhile before Rick once again broke the silence.

“So when do you leave?” Troy stared out the window as he replied “Tomorrow, I need to be there by noon I think.” And so the day went by and Troy packed his things and left. He drove alone, without music, only listening to the sounds of the car and traffic. Troy had rented a hotel room just down the street from the prison. That afternoon he drove up to the building full of rapists, molesters and murderers. It was a shoddy looking place, in a phase of perpetual renovation. He walked through the doors wearing his grey business suit and passed the guards. They searched him and made him take off his watch as he walked through the metal detectors. He walked through those double doors into a small gymnasium like room. On one end was a table with several people at it, the parole committee. On the other end were two tables, at one was Troy’s lawyer, and at the other sat the three men. They turned to see him as he walked into the room.

Seeing their faces ignited memories in his head. He relived the entire moment in just a second. He had been walking down the street with Bracey. It had been raining then, not just raining but storming, a thunder storm. Bracey was holding his hand and they were laughing. He could still remember that, the feeling they shared. And in that moment he was happy. Bracey leaned close and kissed him. Troy put his hand on Bracey’s face and held him there. That was the last time he would be able to. The next few hours happened so fast that it seemed like nothing but a horrible dream. Troy wished it had been desperately every time he thought of it. A car’s headlights clicked on brightly in front of the two. At first there were four of them. Blurry figures of men who held something in their hands, and something else deep within their faces. They walked towards Troy and Bracey. “Oye! What do you think you faggots are doing here?!” One yelled, another screamed at them as well, they all had something to say. “Yea, don’t cha know there ain’t no need for queers here?” “Why don’t you go have some parade elsewhere?!” Troy got a very bad feeling in his gut. Bracey looked at him with concern. “We’ll have our little parade wherever we feel like.” He said defiantly. Bracey had dealt with people like this before, but this time was different. After that moment everything became blurry. The first of the men had a bat, or a wooden plank, he couldn’t remember. With a clack he smashed it against Troy’s neck and he fell. Bracey rushed them and knocked two to the ground. The one with the bat took a swing at him and hit him in the jaw.

Troy raked his hands around the air, he couldn’t see much anymore. He felt the foot of one of the men and grabbed it, pulling it towards himself. The man collapsed on top of him. Bracey stumbled to his feet, wobbling towards the men. He snatched the bat up and swung it at them at they came towards him. He caught the blonde one in the temple and he went down. Troy was battling a man on the ground. The moment got worse as the final two whipped out pistols. Troy’s heart was racing now. Bracey charged them. BANG! Troy’s heart rang out. Bracey snatched the gun from one of the men. BANG! Troy’s heart rang out again. Troy stood up and ran towards his lover. He could see blood mixed in with the mud covering his clothing. One of the men now lay dead on the ground. The other yelled “Go! Go! Go!” and shot off several rounds as they fled. Troy heard the bullets wiz by and felt the burning pain as several found their way into him. Bracey fired back meekly, the men ran off and the two fell onto the ground. Troy held Bracey in his arms, he had been hurt more than himself. “Bracey, are you.. are you ok?” Bracey smiled and kissed Troy. “I’m glad.. I’m glad I got to protect you Troy. I love you.” Troy swallowed hard as tears ran down his face. Bracey’s wonderful blue eyes grew dim as he stared at Troy. He passed out as the sound of siren’s filled the air.

Troy sat down at the table, he would remember that night for the rest of his life. The hearing droned on until the committee called on him. He took a look at the three men to his right and stood. He took a sip of water and thought of Bracey. He would always think of Bracey, when the rain comes down.

Originally published in OUTspoken! ISSUE NUMBER 44 Spring 2005

My kingdom is far away

Written By Christopher S.

And though I cannot hear
the notes of my songbird,
or glimpse his plumage,
I will not forget the sanctity

of my birth. I do not
expect to be honored
here, though the God
who harvested your stars
plucked mine as well.

Forgive me if I find
some of your subjects slow,
my passions confound them
somehow, repulse them,
as if they had found a child
raiding the sugar bowl.

As if they cannot understand
that sweet is sweet.
If you could only smell the dark
blossoms of my country,
taste the fruits of our orchards,

I would name them for you,
weave them into the great tent
of our history. It is always easy
to mock another’s customs,
paths that terrify or astonish.

While I am supposed to believe
that casting salt or imbibing
ersatz blood or the cloaking
of brides are the practices
of an enlightened culture.

I would not presume to instruct
you on the care of outcasts,
only suggest a country’s values
are reflected in its treatment
of prisoners. You cannot imagine
how I miss my home.

my groom. Even now
he is filling the basin
with hot water and lather.
He is daubing his temples
with a rich, delectable salve.

He is singing my name,
to the weary sun.
He is asking the sovereign
of all worlds
for my safe return.

Originally published in OUTspoken! ISSUE NUMBER 43 Winter 2005

Gay Q & A

Written By greeneyesopen

Five years. It’s been five years since I came out; since I realized that my life was never going to go back to the cookie-cutter mold of “normalcy” that shelters unknowing heterosexuals. I’ve come a long way in five years of lesbianism, and I’m proud of my half-decade struggle towards self-actualization. Despite all that I’ve learned and experienced in this time, I never cease to be amazed at how little those around me still do not know about homosexuality. I have earned my Master’s Degree in coming out (so to speak) and now it’s time to teach others. The world will not change just because I have, and I think that’s the hardest thing for a GLBT person to come to terms with. It doesn’t matter how many books we have read or how many civil rights rallies we have cheered at. When coming out to a person for the very first time, it’s like starting back at day one.

Recently, I was driving back from a district new teacher’s meeting with two of my fellow classmates. I was half-heartedly listening to their conversation about getting drunk at some local club and what guys they ended up going home with (I think this was supposed to be funny?) and one of them (I’ll call her Rachel) piped up, “Hey, have either of you ever been to a gay bar before?”

After exchanging smirks with the driver, I nonchalantly said, “Sure, lots of times.”
Rachel was intrigued. “Really? Wow! I mean, what’s it like? Did you get hit on by chicks?”

I sighed, knowing what would surely follow, and said in my most even voice, “Rachel, I’m gay.”

Almost immediately, Rachel said, “Oh, ok.” Then there was THE PAUSE. This is the pause that inevitably follows such a disclosure that means that the other person is speechless and trying so very hard to process the bombshell that was just dropped. THE PAUSE lasted approximately 45 seconds and was followed by, “So, ok. I don’t mean to pry but…like…”

“Yes?”

“Ok,” Rachel was revving up her engines, “So like, what does your family think?”

At this point in the article, I will switch modes and provide answers for the top ten most frequently asked questions following my coming out to someone for the first time. These questions have been scientifically tested and proven to come up in the conversation at least once in any given order.

Perhaps some of these will ring a bell to those of you who have experienced the after effects of THE PAUSE.

Q: What does your family think?

A: Well, I’ve been disowned once, thrown out a hand-full of times, screamed at, and silenced. Really, it’s a non-issue.

Q: So how do you find girls to date?

A: In this town? It’s kinda tricky. Let’s see…hmmm…have I mentioned I’ve been celibate for some time now?

Q: How do you KNOW someone is, you know…?

A: A lesbian? Ha. I ask my crystal ball. If my gaydar beeps exactly three times and the wind is blowing in an easterly direction, then I know that there is a fighting chance that I have a winner.

Q: How can you tell that I’m not gay?

A: That wedding ring on your finger is a good indication.

Q: I guess you don’t want kids then…?

A: Of course I want kids.

Q: But…

A: Ever heard of Artificial Insemination, adoption (out of the state of Florida that is) or borrowing the neighbor’s husband for the afternoon? Ah Ha! It can be done!

Q: How did you know? I mean, really KNOW that you were gay?

A: Once upon a time, a fairy princess came down from Never-never Land and waved her magic wand about my head, chanting a magic spell. I woke up the next morning, and I thought to myself, “Gee! I feel like kissing a woman today!” The End. Ok, so you want a real answer? I knew I was gay the day that I stopped lying to myself that I was attracted to men. I’ve been this way forever. I just didn’t know that there was a name for or a way to express the way I felt.

Q: Why do lesbians dress like men?

A: (Looking down at my lap) Men wear skirts? I had no idea. Last time I checked, lesbians dress however the hell they want to dress. I don’t wear makeup because I think it is silly and it makes my face itch. I like jeans. They are comfy. Most of my straight friends also wear jeans. How about that short hair? It’s Florida for goodness sake! I have no idea about the mullet though. I think it was an alien life form that came from the 80’s and died on many poor unsuspecting lesbians’ heads.

Q: Have you ever liked/dated/slept with men?

A: Sure. I’ve had a few boyfriends. I’ve had crushes on boys too. It was the socially acceptable thing to do in middle school! As for sleeping with men? Yep. I’ve always been open to new ideas and experiences.

Q: (Straight person looks around sheepishly and says in quiet and
intrigued voice:) What’s the difference between sleeping with a man and a woman?

A: How can I explain this? It’s like…it’s like…the difference between riding a rollercoaster and a flume ride at a theme park. Both are going to get your heart racing, and you know there’s bound to be a big drop at the end, but it’s what happens in between that makes all the difference.

Now that I’ve gone through the top ten countdown of my Gay Q & A, I’d like to give you a moment to reflect on all those silly questions that have hindered your life for as many months or years you have been out. These questions will never go away. They will re-appear year after year after year, and eventually, you will be so scripted and prepared for them that you will be able to look your poor straight friend in the eyes and ramble off the answers without blinking. They will be shocked and overwhelmed by the brain bending realization that you, their sweet friend/acquaintance, are not who they stereotyped you to be.

It may take weeks, months, even years for this information to solidify in their perception of you and it will undoubtedly change the way you are viewed by them forever. Coming out is scary. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve done it, I still get clammy hands and shaky every time I feel that moment coming on. Why do I subject myself to this daunting task repeatedly? Because it all comes with the package.

Being gay means telling others and living with the consequences, both good and bad. It means being proud above being scared. The burden of NOT telling is almost always heavier than that of telling the truth about who you are and whom you love. There is no greater gift in life than the ability to broaden someone else’s point of view. We can all choose to be teachers. I just happen to have the five-year specialization and diploma to prove it.

Originally published in OUTspoken! ISSUE NUMBER 43 Winter 2005

Gay Youth and Schools: Visibility or Invisibility?

Written By Matt Hill

When I was fourteen years old and a freshman at the R.J. Reynolds High School in Winston-Salem, NC, I established my county’s second gay-straight alliance student group. The first group, formed at West Forsyth High School, had gone through hell in trying to get up and running. The leaders of this student group gained the help of GLSEN Winston-Salem in fighting the Board of Education so that they would be able to just meet on campus. They never succeeded in getting school sponsorship for the group. But if it had not been for those student leaders’ efforts in getting the West Forsyth GSA established, I would have never had such ease in establishing mine. I guess it did help that my principal was supportive (to an extent) but I am sure of the fact that if the West Forsyth GSA had not have fought, I would have never gotten my GSA off the ground.

In my school system, the gay-straight alliance groups were placed into the “student-initiated, non-school sponsored” classification, along with groups such as YoungLife and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. The reason the Board of Education put all of the GSAs in this classification was because (and still is because) they see the groups as being political in nature. According to their policies ALL religious and political groups are deemed “non-school sponsored” in order to protect students’ rights to freedom of religion and association.

What bothered me (and what still bothers me because the policy has not changed) was that by being put into this “non-school sponsored” classification we were not allowed to do many things that school sponsored groups were. We could not use the school intercom system or TV information system to make group announcements and neither could we use the school’s bank accounts to store our group funds (this would have given our group financial security). Another thing that upset me was that the GSA could not be represented within the Inter-Club Council, the student organizational component of Reynolds’ Student Government Association. On top of all this, our student group was subjected to lowering itself by having to place a disclaimer on the bottom of all our posters stating that we are a student-initiated, non-school sponsored club.

It is my opinion that in my school system and the hundreds, if not thousands, like it LGBT youth are being made to be invisible. By making the GSAs “non-school sponsored,” the school system officials get to ignore the group and the members of the group. LGBT youth are being given the right to assemble but the ones to whom they answer (school boards) are not listening. These school boards are telling LGBT students, either directly or indirectly, “You are not worthy enough to be heard. We don’t care about your well-being at school. If you feel unsafe, then go somewhere else.” Some school boards and members of school boards, like a couple school board members in Forsyth County, have gone so far as to publicly demonize and degrade LGBT youth and adults, saying homosexuals go to hell and are sinners. They say that since homosexuals are sinners they do not need to be protected, for by protecting them it might be seen as an “endorsement” of an “evil lifestyle choice.”

It is time that communities step up and elect people to school boards who will actually do well for those entrusted to their care: youth. This means ALL youth, not just the straight youth but even the LGBT youth. I also think that we should elect civil authorities who will stand up for the Constitution and the ideals that it embodies instead of bigoted, hateful and hypocritical religious ideologies.

Our society always stresses how important it is to protect our children and youth, the leaders of tomorrow, but when it comes to protecting those youth who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, everyone turns their backs. It is time that we do what we say we are going to do and keep the religious beliefs of the minority from influencing how our government and schools work and function.

Originally published in OUTspoken! ISSUE NUMBER 44 Spring 2005

The Quiet Minority

Written By Tyler King

In denial could be the best way to describe how Lenoir City High School, Tennessee thinks about its GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Transgender) community. The few people who make known their sexual orientation at our school tend to be either looked at as wrong or it is just not spoken about. There has been growth in acceptance at our school but the issue of addressing comments made and threats spoken is something that has yet to be brought to many peoples attention.

When one walks through the hallways in between classes one cannot help to notice when a same sex couple is holding hands. When some students see this there are three things that could happen: (1) no one says anything, accepts what they have seen with tolerance and understanding, (2) they walk on and say some crude comment later in the day, or (3) they get into this persons face and say something ignorant and stupid. Either way, these few incidents are not spoken about afterwards and are not given the right justice when violence is the result.

In the past there have been acts of hate committed upon students of the GLBT community and the issues were not brought up with proper authorities at the time. Many students have come and gone but nothing really has changed. Ignorance is not only allotted to the GLBT community, it has been extended to other minorities of the school as well. Something has to be done to stop ignorance and hate in all of its forms.

One of the best solutions to the problem would be for all of the us in the GLBT community to unite together and help educate the community with lectures and events. Some teachers and students need to get together and form a group to aid in this educational project. This problem needs to be meet with much urgency before one more student has to face ignorance in the form of violence and pain. Many groups across the country would help in the formation of a group. All one needs to do is make a phone call or send an email.

The only thing left to do is for someone to take the first step. Someone needs to help guide this growing student body into something that could get regional or even national recognition for being accepting and understanding of its entire student body; even the quiet minority.

Originally published in OUTspoken! ISSUE NUMBER 44 Spring 2005

Deadly Stand Off with High School Homophobia

Written By Catie

Concrete walls
Green lockers
Masses of bodies
It is the sight which meets me daily
As I fight through the swarm
Of blissful ignorance
My books clutched to my chest
As one would clutch their life if it were threatened
I long to be one of them
Blissfully ignorant for the moment
Or longer
They move without care or purpose
Some not moving at all
Slow plodding to the rest of their useless existence
Not I, I say
I move with calculated steps
Fast in rate, slow in desire
I do not joke merrily
I walk like a prisoner towards death
Inevitable, but not accepted
My knees go weak, almost home free
Almost
Until the shot fires out
And I am that much closer to death
Just move
Left foot first, then right
One, two, one, two
Clutching the books
My last support in my private war
I have lost
I don’t fire back
I’m just trying to survive now
That’s all I ever wanted
I take my steps without breaking pace
There is another bullet in my heart
Another wound to tend to
Just one word, and pain for life

Originally published in OUTspoken! ISSUE NUMBER 44 Spring 2005